Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money? Part 2

Besides robots, who reads blogs?

Robots troll my blog.  They spam my blog for the same reasons they spam email:  to spread malware, mine email addresses, or get me to visit commercial websites.  At least 10% of my loyal readers are robots.  Most of the other strangers who accidentally find my blog are people who worry about lending money.  My blog statistics show that at least 10 people a day from all over the world, find their way to my blog by typing phrases like these into Google:

• lend money to boyfriend
• should I lend my boyfriend money
• boyfriend borrows money from me
• boyfriend keeps asking for money
• do you lend your partner money
• have you lent money to your friends with benefits
• is it okay to lend my boyfriend money
• boyfriend borrowing money
• feel uncomfortable giving boyfriend money
• boyfriends that ask for money

I posted the blog "Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money" almost two years ago, but it was fluff.  When I saw how many people were seeking answers to that question, I made some specific suggestions about what to say; however, I find the whole issue unsettling.

Money-lending has always been a delicate issue, but it's particularly delicate when your romantic partner (male or female) wants your money.  Why?  What's up?  Why are they asking Google?  Why are you 100% willing to have sex with your boyfriend (or girlfriend), but feel uncomfortable about lending the love object money?

Obviously (to me) when people ask Google the money question, it's not so much about money as it is about confidence, courage, and commitment.



Let me get back to sex for a moment.

• The only math involved in sex is 1 + 1
• You are hungry for sex.
• It is potentially more collaborative.  
• There is mutual give and take.  
• You feel cherished and appreciated.

On the other hand,

• Lending money will involve lots of math, mostly subtraction.
• You are not usually hungry for lending money.
• It is collaborative when you both spend money on shared goals, not when your partner borrows it for his own goals.
• Lending money is only give on your part and take on the other person's.
• You might feel briefly appreciated.  You also might feel a little dirty.

So let's reframe "Should I lend my boyfriend money?" in terms of the real questions being asked:

Do I have CONFIDENCE in this relationship?
Do I have confidence in my own worth?
Do I have confidence in my own instincts and judgement?  Will my loan genuinely get this person through a temporary bad patch, or am I setting up a long relationship of dependency?

Do I have the COURAGE to risk being dumped or resented over the money question?
Do I have the courage to have dreams and save my money so I can pursue my dreams?
Do I have the courage to stand up for myself?
Do I have the courage to ask for a shared vision of our lives together?

And finally, are the two of us equally COMMITTED to this relationship or
     am I mostly committed to doing anything necessary to avoid facing my core loneliness?

If you know in your heart that lending him money will only prop up your illusion of a relationship for one more week, until he asks again, find a way to say no.  Some suggestions are here.

Harsh, maybe, and there are many exceptions to the picture presented above - but if you are one of the hundreds of people who found your way to this blog by Googling "Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money?" -- then this one's for you.

Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money?

I'd like to make something very clear here:

If you feel so uncomfortable about lending your boyfriend money that you are asking Google, you probably have a good reason for your discomfort.  Chances are you feel uncomfortable about other things as well.  First read this blog (Should I let my boyfriend move in with me?)


Here is how to say "NO":
The next time he asks to borrow money, say any of these things:

• "It's not the right thing for me."  If he keeps asking, keep saying that as firmly as you can.  You can vary it occasionally with "It just doesn't feel right for me right now."
• "It would make me happy if your plans included living within your means."
• "Does your love for me depend on me loaning you money?"  (May as well put your deepest fears on the table. If the answer is "yes," that could be useful information for you.)
• "I will lend you more money, as soon as you pay back the $1500 you currently owe me."

You don't need to give an excuse.  It's your money, you earned it, and you are saving it for whatever you want to save it for.  It's your money.  You might need it for your education, your future, your children's education, a home, a vacation, food, clothes, a new computer -- it doesn't matter.  

On the other hand, if you feel you have to lend him money for some reason, add this:  "I will lend you money if you agree that first we will look at your total financial situation together and agree to a budget that includes paying me back."

If you'd like to read more on this topic, please visit here.

If you are still wondering, I like what this website has to say on this topic.  

*******

Is that answer helpful to you?  I'd very much like to know because this post seems to receive many more visits than any other question in this blog of questions.   Do you just want permission to say no?  Well you have permission.  Say no, and see what happens.  Venture outside your safety zone.

Note:  I'm not saying nobody should lend their boyfriend money ever.  I'm just saying that if you are asking Google for permission to say no, you have it.

You are not alone.  At least 50 people a week find this blog by asking Google about lending money to boyfriends.  Originally, my answer was pretty light, but when I saw that people were genuinely troubled by pressure to lend money, I thought it might be useful to give a more serious answer.  Here is my original blog:

Women often ask me, "Should I lend my boyfriend money?"  (Men also puzzle about loans to lovers.)

Shakespeare, via Polonius said "no":  "Neither a borrower nor a lender be/For loan oft loses both itself and friend/And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry" (Hamlet, I, iii, 75-77).  Polonius is saying if you lend money you will lose both the money and the friend and if you have to borrow money, you are not being thrifty.

Loni Anderson in WKRP in Cincinnati said "no."  When Dr. Johnny Fever asks her for a loan, she says, "I never lend money to a man.  It makes me lose respect for him."

My girlfriend V.F. said, "yes."  Her friend, a boy named for a blind underground rodent, paid her back.  But he was a "friend" (with occasional benefits) but not a "boyfriend."  I imagine she'd lend money again. 

My mother said, "absolutely not."  She lent money to a male friend for laser eye surgery.   She saw him occasionally for companionship, but he was not a "boyfriend." The surgery was unsuccessful and, when he paid her back, his cheque bounced.  His eye surgery and bounced cheque helped her to see him more clearly.

I tend to agree with Polonius.  When I am capable and motivated to lend money to someone in need, I don't expect it back.  If I needed it back, I probably would not lend it in the first place.  Every relationship is a deal, even our relationship to money.