Are Self-Help Books Self-Helpful?

Thinking of reading a self-help book?

Will it ease your back pain?
Will it make you thinner?
Will it help you find true love?
Will it endanger your life?
My first self-help book was Let's Eat Right to Keep Fit, the Bible of food back in the 1970s.  I recall making Adelle Davis's nutritional booster of brewer's yeast, wheat germ, raw eggs, and fruit juice.  Check it out!

I've had some transformational insights due to self-help books, particularly Co-Dependent No More which showed me that my situation was typical of many people and not unique to me.  The book described my then (way-back then) partner's behaviours and my responses as if there had been a camera in our home for the previous five years.

This realization enabled this enabler to pry herself loose from the cycle of fleeing and returning.  After reading the book, I was able to see the cycle as a typical pattern.  The book sucked all the unique drama out of my experience.  I was a cliché.  I had the book, though, for many months before being able to read it.  The book was screaming its blue cover at me - and finally, at the right time, I was able to listen.

Difficult Conversations helped me see my own responsibility in all the difficult conversations I found myself in. This had the powerful impact of reducing anger.  How can I be mad at you and disappointed in you if I knew how disappointing you would be from the beginning?

The Five Dysfunctions of a Team has been a very useful book for anyone working in groups. The key message of that book is that trust is essential for teams to be effective.

The other four dysfunctions follow from absence of trust.

A friend of mine said this, "Life is too interesting and too complex for self-help to be worthwhile."

I would say the opposite:  Life is too interesting and complex for self-help and any other kind of help not to be worthwhile.  There is no one answer.  There are many answers, and the right book at the right time can sometimes be just what we need. 

At least it was for me.  

How Do You Start Again?

Start what?

1.  Dating after a messy breakup?

2.  School after several years working?

3.  Exercising after a sedentary period?

4.  Gardening after the winter?

 or - - um - - shift feet nervously, bite lip -- 

5.  Blogging after a ten-month absence?

There might be minor differences among these five items, but ultimately, the main thing is to start.  Fall down.  Get up slowly.  Check for bruises.  Heal.  Start again.  And again.  Don't spend a second reading cheesy quotations about resilience.  Just get started.

And so I have.

But first I checked a cheesy website about starting exercise after stopping.  I wonder if their tips can be applied to blogging (or dating).

1.  Don't break the habit.  I'm only reading this because I did.

2.  Reward showing up.  Blogging is its own reward.  It's a chance to consider new ideas, share, and sometimes begin new conversations.

3.  Commit for 30 days.  Excellent idea, and exactly the length of Ramadan.

4.  Make it fun.  Note:  Fun is subjective.  Thoughtful reflection can be massively fun.

5.  Schedule during quiet hours.  Essential for blogging.  It's presently 6:30 a.m.

6.  Get a buddy.  Perhaps, as long as the buddy is also quietly writing.  Read to each other before posting.

7.  X your calendar.  I can do that.

8.  Create a ritual.  I might have to do that, given my goal of writing for 30 days.

The rest of the 15 tips to restart an exercise routine don't seem relevant.  I checked a website on how to start dating and the final rule was, "Be brave."  Good advice for any endeavour.

The main thing is to start again.  And again.  And again.

How do you start again?  Is there anything you do to help you get going?

What's the Best Advice Ever?

Advice has a tendency to be site specific.  For example, the best advice I ever received was from a high school principal who told me this:

-- The more you teach, the less they learn.

I think of that every class I teach.

My brother, Len, tells a story about the best advice he ever heard.  He played double bass in the high school band.  A string broke during band class and there were no extra strings in the school.  The teacher, Mr. Roberts, said, "Len, go downtown to Ann Foster's Music Store and get a box of new strings and fix that bass before you go to your next class."

Len:  "Mr. Roberts, it'll take me an hour to go downtown and back.  I have a double French class coming up."

Mr. Roberts: "Always keep your instrument in good repair and ready to play.  Get those strings now."

This message stayed with my brother for years after.  He played guitar in rock and roll bands, always keeping his instrument ready to play.  He witnessed the downfall of many musicians who had not received that advice.

Ten years later, the high school had their 50th anniversary.  My brother saw Mr. Roberts, quite aged now and walking with a cane.  Len said, "Mr. Roberts, in high school you gave me the best advice ever about keeping my instrument ready to play.  Do you have any advice for me now?"

Mr. Roberts said, "Len, from where you're standing on your side of the street, you don't know which way the wind is blowing on the other side of the street."

My brother became a screenwriter and for the next ten years had to deal with Hollywood directors and producers and actors, each one making script changes.  He remembered that from where he was standing, from his position, he didn't know the constraints and issues of the others in the business.  That perspective helped him cope with the pressure.

Ten years later, the high school had a 20-year reunion for Len's class.  Mr. Roberts arrived, held up by his two grand-daughters and two canes.  My brother approached him again and reminded him of the advice he'd given Len in high school and at the earlier reunion.  Len asked Mr. Roberts if he had any further advice.

"Len," said Mr. Roberts, "you still don't know which way the wind is blowing on the other side of the street."

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I keep that bit of advice in mind as well.

What's the best advice you've ever received (or given for that matter)?